the last days of maternity leave

It's not long now until my maternity leave comes to an end. This year has been all about change, constant change, and now everything is about to change again.

I don't officially start back at work until 3rd June, but I have agreed (somewhat reluctantly) to work 2 days per week starting from 15th April. I will have 3 weeks off at the beginning of May to go on holiday to France (excited!), but other than that, from 15th April I'm back in work mode. 

I am in two minds about going back to work. I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt for leaving my baby boy. I have never been apart from him for more than a couple hours. I feel like he is my responsibility and putting him in someone else's care for 8 hours a day feels horrible. And I don't want to leave him. I really don't. But I also feel ready to take a break from thinking about poo and weaning and naps and teething for a few hours, to focus my mind on something technical, to converse with people about things other than baby milestones. I feel bad saying this, but it's how I feel. It doesn't make the transition back to work any easier though.

I wish we could afford for me to work only a couple hours each day rather than 4 full days per week. Leaving Nate for 8 hours every day seems too much, but financially we don't have another option. And I haven't even thought about how he is going to go a whole day at nursery without breastfeeding...I keep putting off tackling that issue. 

So these days are my last days of maternity leave. The last of it being just me and my baby boy at home, playing with toys, going to baby groups, exploring parks and libraries and soft play areas. I will miss these days. I know I will never get them back. 

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