On Children

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

------------------------

Since starting back at work and having Nate in nursery most of the week, my mind keeps flitting back to this poem. I first read it many years ago and thought it was beautiful, but now that I have a child it really strikes a chord with me. 

The phrase "they belong not to you" especially resonates with me. I feel a primal attachment to Nate, which was forged during my pregnancy and during his first few months, which were difficult for me. The struggles we went through together makes him feel like a part of me; mine.

But I know deep down that he is not mine - that I am simply one of his protectors, creating a safe environment for him to grow and discover himself. 

This poem captures that bittersweet feeling of parenthood to me and the idea that our children are not ours to control, only to guide in a certain direction and let go, like arrows shot from a bow. 

nathan - 9 months old

Another month has passed and yet again it has gone quick, quick, quick! Nathan is 9 months old today, three-quarters of the way to being a one-year-old. I think 9 months is a big milestone because now Nate has been in the world for as long as he was in utero. I'm not exactly sure why, but this feels huge to me.

Nate's ninth month has been busy, with family days out and lots of activities. The weather has changed from snow in the beginning of the month to gloriously sunny days at the end. We visited Nate's uncle Rob in Coventry and I started back at work as well, so a lot has happened! 

On our trip to Coventry

So how is Nate doing? Well, Nate is now a clapping machine! He claps whenever he hears music or if we start singing "If you're happy and you know it". It's incredible to see him comprehending something we say and acting on it. I love it. He is also chewing on his cheerios now and actually swallowing them; last month he was only putting them in his mouth and spitting them out, so this is great progress.

If you're happy and you know it...

In terms of movement, Nate is focusing on refining his standing up skills. I am not sure now if he will crawl or walk first because he still cries after being on his tummy for a while. He just hasn't figured out the whole crawling thing. But he can almost pull himself to standing on the sofa. And he loves to stand and play with his new activity table. He does still lunge forward when sitting, but hasn't been able to get into a hands-and-knees position yet.  

Nate still loves to copy sounds and actions. He will try and imitate us when we are speaking to him and really tries to say words, but they all end up sounding like "ba ba". He loves playing with labels and poking round things like holes, buttons, even my nostrils (!) - I am a little weirded out by that one (but maybe it's a normal baby thing?)

Last week we decided that it was time to face Nate outwards when using our stroller. I kept delaying moving him from facing me because I loved staring at his little face when we went on walks, but a few weeks ago I could tell that he was trying to look around me to see what was going on, so I thought it was time. We took him to an antique's fair near our house on his first outward-facing journey and he loved it. 

Off to the antique's fair

We also only yesterday took him out of his baby seat in the bath and put in him an upright bath chair! We knew he was too big for his baby seat for weeks and weeks, but both my husband and I loved his little baby seat and I think we didn't want to admit he had outgrown it. I feel bad now that we kept him in the baby seat for so long because the first time we put him in the chair he had such a blast splashing and playing with his toys.  

"Can't you see I'm clearly too large for this seat?"

There has been no change to his sleeping yet. He is still up once a night, but what I find great is that he goes down very easily at 7pm and usually (but not always) wakes up around the same time for his night feed at 4am-ish. Although not ideal, the fact that the nights are pretty predictable make everything soooo much easier.  I have been told by a breastfeeding supporter that breastfed babies are generally able to go through the night without a feed once they are 10 months old. So I am clinging onto the hope that in a month or two we will all be getting a full night's sleep.

Next week we are off to France for a 2 week holiday in the sun with my husband's parents. We are all so excited to get some quality family time and to show Nate some new places. 

working mum

Oh my goodness, I am exhausted! I have just finished my first week at work. It was only a short 2-day week and I can't believe how tired I feel. 

Typically, after many nights of decent sleeping, Nate had a bad night on Sunday before my first day back, and then an even worse night last night waking at 2.45am for a feed then at 5am...and not going back to sleep!  Maybe he senses that things are different and therefore is waking more? I'm not sure. 

And work itself was intense. They are short staffed (my boss quit a few months ago) and it's our busy period, so as soon as I arrived I was thrown a bunch of difficult tasks. I wasn't even given any time to sift through the hundreds of emails in my inbox. I was sleep deprived, so my mind was all fuzzy and confused and stressed.  I think I stared at my computer screen for 20 minutes at one point trying to figure out a spreadsheet that was actually set up by me last year...I couldn't remember anything, it was so bad! 

Luckily while I was scratching my head and drinking lots and lots of tea (and maybe the odd bar of chocolate), Nate was having a great time with his daddy. They did all sorts of outdoor activities and went to the store and the park. I was glad he was having fun, but I missed him.

When I got home, he seemed happy to see me, but it's hard to know if he really even noticed I was gone. We had a kiss and a hug, and then he went right back to playing with his toys. Although I was hoping he would have noticed me a little more, the fact that he was content without me all day gives me confidence that he will be okay at nursery when he eventually goes.

I have the rest of the week to spend with Nate now and we are going to have some quality mother-son bonding time before I go back for 2 more days next week. 

real nappies (and other thoughts)

I received an email today about Real Nappy Week (15th - 21st April) and it immediately reminded me of this time last year, when I decided to take the plunge and purchase a full set of cloth nappies.

It also reminded me that I haven't posted an update on how we are doing with cloth and what I thought about the Bum Genius Freetime nappies that make up the majority of our stash. So here is a long overdue update.

Overall, I love our cloth nappies. The Bum Genius Freetime nappies are fantastic. I highly recommend them; they are easy to wash and dry, simple to put on, and provide a nice snug fit. We also love the Tots Bots EasyFit nappy and the FuzziBunz Elite nappy (pictured on Nate above at 3 months old). I think if I were to start from scratch with my stash, I would purchase some more velcro nappies. Most of mine have snap enclosures and therefore aren't as adjustable around the waist as velcro. But other than that I love my nappies.

However, I have to admit that we do not use cloth nappies full time. We use disposable nappies at night and also when we are out of the house for more than a few hours. So I would estimate that Nate is in cloth half of the time. 

At first I felt really bad about not using cloth all the time, especially after spending so much money on my stash. But the thing is, since becoming a mother I have learned a lot about myself as a person.  And above all else, I have learned that I am not a person of extremes - I am a moderate when it comes to parenting and probably when it comes to most other things in my life. For example, I baby-wear, but also use a stroller; I co-sleep, but also use a crib; I use cloth nappies, but also disposable nappies; I breastfeed, but Nate has had formula a few times; I do baby-led weaning, but also feed Nate purees; the list goes on. 

Being the moderate, flexible, non-extremist mom that I am has its advantages, I can adapt to situations and do things how I want and in which ever way works best for us. I like to think I'm carving my own path into motherhood rather than following a prescriptive philosophy. But it also means that I don't fit completely into any of the mommy camps out there. I feel like I'm too hippie for the traditional moms and too conservative for the hippie moms. Maybe I should start a "left-of-center mom group for the slightly hippie non-extremists". Who's with me?

Okay, I have now completely deviated from the cloth nappy theme of this post, but hey this is my blog and I can't be bothered to do any editing on a Saturday morning.  

We are off to swim class now. Happy weekend everyone!



Click here to get future blog posts delivered to your inbox

raising a baby abroad

When I was young I always knew I wanted children and I would let my young imagination run wild, picturing my kids running around the backyard, going to school and climbing trees.  Of course, the images of this new family that filled my daydreams were always set in some generic US town. I never thought I would be raising a family far away from my own home, in a new country. 

Once I moved to the UK and started settling into life with Mr M, I began to realise that England was quickly becoming my home. Before long, I was joking with my family about how funny it would be if my kids had cute English accents and played cricket. That once amusing thought is now a reality as my little English lad Nate is growing up fast and absorbing his environment at a rapid pace. 

When I became pregnant with Nate, I thought about what it would be like to raise a child in a different country from where I grew up. It is certainly not an unusual thing to do. In fact, it is extremely common in both the US and the UK because of the large influx of immigrants to both countries over the last century. And in truth the differences between the US and the UK aren't great, so my challenges are minimal compared to people moving from further places, both culturally and geographically. 

But there are still subtle things that I am having to consider as an American expat raising a British baby - things that I didn't even think about when I became pregnant, probably because they are so small in the big scheme of things. 

Things like choosing my vocabulary appropriately. When we are standing at the window on a Friday morning on recycling day and I say, "ooooh, look at the garbage truck outside", should I be calling it the "rubbish lorry" instead?  When I am singing the alphabet to Nate and come to the end of it do I say X, Y, "Zee" or X, Y, "Zed"? Should I call this vegetable a zucchini or a courgette, and this one an eggplant or an aubergine? 

And what about celebrating holidays that I remember as a child? I think it is important to teach Nate about Jewish holidays like Passover and American holidays like Thanksgiving that were part of my childhood but I am struggling to figure out how to make these part of his life when they are so absent from life here.

American politics and sports also come to my mind. Even though I am not much of a sportswoman or politician, I still have basketball, baseball, ice hockey and presidential elections ingrained into my being. It feels strange to think that Nate won't know about these things unless I explicitly teach him. 

These thoughts are racing through my mind each day as we progress through the year and holidays, sports tournaments and religious celebrations pass. It makes me realise more than ever that my life with Nate is as much a learning experience for me as it is for him. While I make the effort to teach him about Yom Kippur, pumpkin pie and the different ways to pronounce alumin(i)um, he has a lot to teach me about growing up in the UK. Living as an expat and raising a British baby has its challenges, but what great challenges they are to have!


Get future blog posts delivered to your inbox

on sleep training

Now that Nathan is well over six months old, the question of sleep training seems to be the hot topic at my baby groups.

Sleep deprived mums clutching strong cups of coffee and wriggly babies ask the other mums in the room for advice. They want sleep, lots of sleep, but they don't want to leave their child crying alone in a dark room either. They are lost.

I feel lost too. I am usually the mum in the corner of the the room listening, taking in the advice being dished out, but not getting involved. That's because I never really believed in sleep training. I have never forced Nathan to cry himself to sleep, never denied him a night feed, never done any training. (Well, actually, one night we tried the pick-up, put-down technique but we got to pick-up number 65 (!) and quit).

But you see...I was eavesdropping as usual last week at my Tuesday group and got all confused. A Health Visitor had joined the group and she said the official stance is that babies over 6 months old should "all be capable of sleeping through the night". And if they don't the parents should "do controlled crying to get them to sleep through".

So then I started to feel guilty (you know, the usual mom guilt thing). Was I denying my child sleep because I didn't want to sleep train? Was a few hours of crying actually for his own good even though it went against everything I believed in?

I went home and had a cup of tea and mulled the whole thing over. I was still confused, but I was also angry. Angry that no matter what choice I make I will feel guilty. If I don't sleep train, the Health Visitors will make me feel guilty that my child isn't sleeping through the night; if I do sleep train I will feel guilty for letting my baby cry. 

Nathan has never slept through the night, but I just don't think I am ready to let him cry himself to sleep. I may never be ready. [By the way, I don't have anything against people that do sleep train. I know they do it for the right reasons, but it is just not for me...at least not right now.] 

In my confused state, I started reading different articles online, and I found comfort in this statement from the Kellymom website...

Remember that night waking in babies and young children is normal and temporary! 

Children grow out of night waking, even when we do nothing to discourage it. This period of time will be a very tiny part of your child’s years with you.

So I am going to just ignore the Health Visitors for now and continue to remind myself that this is all temporary. 

e.n.t. update

The other day I posted about a small lump in Nate's ear canal and our upcoming appointment at the E.N.T department in the hospital. If you want to read the original post you can find it here. The appointment was yesterday.

I met up with Mr M around 2pm at the hospital and the 3 of us meandered our way through the long halls of the hospital until we found the E.N.T. department tucked into a back corner. 

Nate was in a good mood and spent his time mostly immersed in a shiny twisty toy we found in a basket in the corner of the waiting room. 

We got called in by the nurse after about 30 minutes. The doctor bounced out of his seat when entered the room. He was a large eastern European man with a booming voice, a thick accent, and heaps of energy.

He had a quick look in Nate's ear.

"Oh yes, I have seen this before many of times. It is a....how do you call it....atheroma....sebaceous cyst...fatty pocket. We just need to poke it with a needle and pfffffffffffft squeeze out the fat"

My eyes widened. 

"You want me to poke it? With a needle!? When I get home!!?"

"Oh no, no, no, we do that here in hospital. Surgical procedure under general anesthesia."

General anesthesia  The words I was hoping I wouldn't hear. I don't want my baby to be put under for such an insignificant thing as a..."fatty pocket". 

The doctor must have sensed my disappointment. He immediately said that we can wait 6 months and come back to have it examined again. He said we can "give him time to grow a little" before undergoing the procedure. I felt some relief at this. At least we don't have to think about it now; but eventually he will have to have it removed. And I will have to see my little man be put under. 

Although I am not looking forward to that day, I am so soooooo happy that the lump turned out to be nothing serious. 

e.n.t.

When we were in Florida a few months ago my sister noticed Nate had something in his ear.

"Have you noticed this thing in Nate's ear? What is it?"

"Huh? What do you mean? What thing?"

Being the super observant mum that I am, I totally missed the fact that my little man had a lump right inside his ear canal. It looks like a smooth fleshy bump and nearly blocks his whole canal. 

"You should really get that checked out"

So I took Nate to the health clinic in January and I mentioned it to the Health Visitor. 

"Oh, I'm not sure. It's probably nothing, but you should go to the GP just in case."

The next day I went to the GP. 

"Yes, I can see that there is something in his ear. It's probably nothing, but to be safe I am referring him to the E.N.T. department at the hospital. The referral will take up to 2 months to come through."

The referral came in the post today and our appointment at the E.N.T. department is on Thursday. We go to London tomorrow to register Nate as a US Citizen (yay - post to follow) but I have a feeling this hospital appointment will be on my mind the whole time. 

I really do hope it's just "nothing". 

the beginning of the end

"Working Mom"

The end of my maternity leave is still months away but this week I been forced to think a lot about my return to work (boooo).

Before starting maternity leave I worked full-time, but I would like to go back 4 days a week, with one of my days working from home. This means I have to put in a flexible working application to formally request a change to my working pattern. I have a legal right to request this because I care for a child under the age of 17. And my employer has a legal obligation to consider my request, though they can reject it due to business reasons. 

It can take a while to go through the official steps of applying for flexible working and getting a new employment contract drawn up,  so I put my official written request in on Friday even though I don't want to return until June. 

On Monday I received a panicked email from my boss asking if I can work any days in April and May to help with a busy period. This stressed me out because I don't have any childcare arranged until June and I really want to ensure I can return on a part-time basis before agreeing to anything else. I asked if we can meet face to face to discuss this in detail and we met today.

It felt odd putting my work clothes back on (thank god my pre-pregnancy work trousers still fit!) and it felt even odder leaving Nate for 3 hours. This is the longest I have left him during the day. I didn't know how I would react, but you know what?..it was okay. Oh, I missed him like CRAZY and I kept texting my husband to send photos and I probably thought about him every minute, but...it was okay. And what's even better is I got every request in my flexible working application approved. 

I go back officially on 3rd June and will also do the odd day here and there in April and May to help out with the busy period. I am bummed about maternity leave coming to an end soon - it has gone so soooo fast! But now that I have my official return day, I am just going to have cherish every last minute of this special time I have with Nate.

the gallery: bond

Baby Nate and I have a special bond, of course we do. We are with each other every hour of the day, we sleep much of the night in the same bed, we do activities together, eat together, we are infinitely bonded to each other and it is incredible. 

However, there is something extra special and heart-warming about the relationship that my husband has with Nate. The father-son bond they have is so meaningful; I could spend hours watching them interact. They give each other a look that is only meant for the other. And daddy is the only person that has dunked Nate under water at swim class. In fact, a lot of their bonding time is water-based. Since the day we got home from the hospital, Mr M has bathed Nate every.single.night - no joke, there hasn't been a night that he has missed in the past 6 months! 

Recently Mr M has also started getting up early with Nate on a Saturday morning to allow me to sleep for a couple much needed extra hours. I don't see what they get up to, but every now and then I can hear a giggle from downstairs and I know that they are happy in each other's company, and building a bond with each other that will last a lifetime.  

This post was written in response to a prompt from The Gallery on the Sticky Fingers blog. Why not check out The Gallery to see what other people have posted?